'Sarah', 47, from Essex
‘My mum is Catholic but my dad isn’t. I went to a Catholic junior school, and to be honest, the reason we were brought up Catholic was because, at the time, my parents had to agree to it to get permission to be married in the Catholic Church.
Mum was, what I might call, a “frightened Catholic” and this was reinforced when I went to school. The nun at our school would repeatedly threaten us with the cane to get us to go to Mass on a Sunday. She was generally very rough and severe. She frightened the life out of us! The only reason my mum took us to Mass was to keep us out of trouble at school.
Religion was an uncomfortable subject in our home. I remember when the priest came round, Mum always took him into a room apart from my dad. The priest actually reminded me of a hell, fire and damnation Protestant minister. Our whole faith was based on fear and punishment.
When my elder brother left junior school, Mum told him that he could go where he wanted for his secondary education. He chose the local comprehensive and I followed. Occasionally, we’d be offered a Catholic assembly, which initially I went along to. Mum was very relaxed about it all and said that we could do what we wanted. After a while I didn’t want to be different to the other kids and so I stopped going to these special assemblies. Although I hated going to them, it was funny, because I still felt a loss. My only contact with Catholicism after that was, aged 13, when one night when I was passing the local Catholic Church with a friend, I felt compelled to go in and receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation. That was the last time that I entered a church for over twenty years.
Much later, I married my husband, who is not a Catholic. I’d wanted to get married in the Catholic Church, but thought that they wouldn’t entertain me, so we had the service in a C of E church. One of the reasons for this was that Catholicism, to me, meant the devil, fear and punishment. My mum just backed this up and I felt there was nothing good to be found in Catholicism. All my associations were negative.
After ten years of marriage, we had a son. I wanted to have him baptised Catholic, but felt that it wouldn’t be possible because I’d not practised for so long; he was baptised C of E and I started attending the local Anglican Church. Then a daughter came and I did the same. I began taking them to Sunday school and even sent my son to the Anglican primary school, but I felt increasingly uncomfortable because I didn’t agree with what was being taught. I wanted the children to have a church background but didn’t feel at home. The hole that I’d put myself in felt too deep for me to climb out of. I was at a very low ebb and everything seemed to have gone pear-shaped.
When I was 34, a friend invited me to attend a Roots group at the local Catholic church. Another friend mentioned it to me and said that she’d come with me, if I liked, and so I went along. It would have been too difficult to go on my own.
At the first meeting everyone was very nervous and didn’t really want to talk. The organisers were so kind though. It was all very awkward and I think that I had more to say than most.
Later, I met the Parish Priest, who was absolutely lovely. I told him that I felt I’d messed up and got everything so wrong. I always remember what he said: “This is your journey and how it was meant to be for you.” His words really resonated and I started to go back to the Catholic Church. My son made his First Holy Communion there, as did my daughter. They were also both Confirmed. My husband is very supportive and now even he comes to Mass.
An important part of the journey was the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I really enjoyed it and remember going to a Reconciliation Service which was part of the Roots gathering. I remember that there were two priests at the altar and I was really nervous about getting up and going forward. I lined up and it seemed to take ages for me to get there. I said to the priest that it had been over 20 years since my last Confession and that I had two children and wished that I was more patient with them. He said that he was sure I was doing a good job and sympathised about how hard it can be to be a parent. I was amazed at his response; he was human and I thought, “I really like this.” I felt accepted and connected.
For me, it’s been a gradual process of discovering the Gospel for the first time and the authentic Catholic Church, as opposed to the Catholic experiences of my early childhood. Not everyone in my Roots group followed through and I had to accept this. This has been my choice and I’m happy with it and the Church. I feel comfortable and every time I become a bit distant, feel drawn back.
This step of discovery of Catholicism as it is today has made a huge difference to my life. I now put everything into God’s hands during the hard times. I understand and believe that everything happens for a reason and that God is in control. I have learnt to talk to God during my day and just chat with him. This was my journey and how it was meant to be. At times, I look back and know that there would be a huge gaping hole in my life without my faith. People often say to me: “I haven’t been to Church for years and can’t go back.” I say: “It’s really not a problem. It’s there for you if you want it. I had an awful start and am still here. Go for it!” ’
The author preferred to not use her real name for reasons related to privacy.
'I said to the priest that it had been over 20 years
since my last Confession… I was amazed at his response; he was human
and I thought, "I really like this." I felt accepted and connected.'
'Sarah'